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Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Texting Pandemic

Recent studies have shown texting is out of control and may eventually have a bigger impact on the planet than global warming. An emergency phone message was left for Al Gore, but as of this writing no response has been received.

Last Tuesday, I sat down with Dr. Gutenberg at the American Institute of Scribbling to discuss the results of his new research.

We’re all familiar with how texting is causing car accidents. How else is texting affecting our society?

Dr. Gutenberg: Here is just one example - unplanned pregnancies are on the rise. Our studies show that when people are heavy texters, they sometimes forget to use birth control or may not even notice that they are engaged in intimate relations.

A real surprise was that there were even a few women who didn’t realize they were pregnant until their labor pains became so severe they had to put their cell phones down. There also have been a few cases where the babies of heavy texters were born with freckles or spots on their foreheads that formed the letters “L-O-L.”


Dr. Gutenberg: And we are now convinced that Swine Flu was probably caused by texting. We have evidence that a pig farmer was eating a sandwich near a pigpen when he suddenly thought of a new pork product: bacon Twinkies. We believe he put his sandwich down on a fence post in order to send a text message to his branding consultant. An unidentified pig then licked or took a bite out of the farmer’s sandwich. After sending his text message, the farmer continued to eat the sandwich and became infected.

What about the entertainment industry?

Dr. Gutenberg: One of our scientists observed an audience at a local theater texting instead of watching the movie. This certainly explains why the new Star Trek movie got such rave reviews. And recently, the Fox cable network has canceled the show Sit Down, Shut Up. What more can I say?

How has texting affected professional sports?

Dr. Gutenberg: We have inside information that Brett Favre, who played for the Jets last year, injured his shoulder texting, not by playing football. That explains why Brett didn’t tell his coach. We’ve heard some leagues are talking about randomly testing athletes for texting, and NASCAR is considering taking the severe step of banning all texting.

Has texting affected our economy?

Dr. Gutenberg: We poured over our satellite photos from last year and discovered that last fall’s presidential election created a tsunami of texting, which affected many of our low-lying areas. The surge from this perfect, texting storm kept people from spending, which plunged our nation into a recession. The exception to this, of course, has been cell phone sales.

Why is texting more dangerous than global warming?

Dr. Gutenberg: At a recent conference in Las Vegas, scientists from all over the world shared their findings and data. This sharing led to several discoveries.

First of all, every cell phone generates a small magnetic field. As more and more people on the planet buy cell phones, these small magnetic fields could combine and become one large magnetic field. This huge magnetic field could pull a large asteroid into a collision course with our planet and kill us all. Our last text message might read, "Oh, $***!"

How much trouble are we in?

Dr. Gutenberg: We need to make the American people and the world aware that we are in the middle of a texting pandemic. This disease -- graphic interruptus -- is spreading rapidly. We don’t know yet if it is spread through contact or is airborne. It will take years to develop a vaccine. Abstinence programs have proven to be ineffective.

What can we do to stop this pandemic of texting?

Dr. Gutenberg: New solutions will have to be established. For example, thick gloves that prevent you from pressing individual cell phone keys will be mandatory attire. Polarized glasses that prevent you from reading cell phone screens will have to be issued and worn. Some areas, like Starbucks and Wynot, Nebraska, will have to be quarantined. Most importantly, we will have to stop teaching our children to read and write.

Thank you, Dr. Gutenberg. It’s been an honor.

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